I have a wild beast in me. She comes at odd times. She’s a hungry beast. She roams the kitchen looking for her prey. Popcorn, chips, sugar stuff, chocolate, fried food…all the things I know I ‘shouldn’t’ eat, and, quite frankly, I don’t have a lot of in my house. Roar, where’s the chocolate? Roar, let’s have a pop tart..roar…maybe two…rrrroarrrr! She on the prowl, ready to devour. If the call is strong enough, there’s no stopping her.
Over the years, I have succumbed to her, I have fought with her, tried to cage her with diets and fasting, which only makes her more ferocious. Over the years, I am learning to make her my friend.
At first, I was pretty much at her mercy. I still have this memory, my first year of college, far from home, freaked out and 17, Madison, Wisconsin; sitting with a friend in front of the dorms and eating, together, a big ol’ honkin’ loaf of french bread. Weird. I never got fat. My metabolism didn’t do that. I just got sick. I got sick a lot as a child.
What I have found through years of twists and turns, is that this wild beast in me is my ally. She’s the guardian at the gate of my strong emotions. Emotions that I have stuffed because, for some reason or another, they were not safe to feel. old, outdated reasons. When I take the time to stop and actually let myself feel, the beast calms down.
What I have also noticed in my exploration is that the beast thrives in the shadows. She lurks in secret places. As soon as I call her out, bring her into the light of awareness, face into what is going on, she starts to loose her ferocity.
I can’t say I’m ‘cured’, don’t think I ever will be. Through all my humanness, the hungry beast is there. She is the gateway to those feelings I might try to deny, hide, run from, project onto others. Yep, there’s another one, and another…I have come to appreciate the her in me as a present, wild and powerful companion.
I don’t know if you remember my potato chip exploration a while back, this is definitely a continuation of that post. I don’t have alcohol addiction, cigarettes or heroin, but I have food. In this day and age we all have pretty easy access to whatever we want food-wise. My drug of choice. And since I haven’t figured out how to give it up totally, and quite frankly don’t want to, it’s a provocative dance that returns many times during the day.
What is your drug of choice? Socially acceptable things like potato chips n’ ice cream, or maybe the ‘heavier’ stuff? It’s all the same cry. What screams to you when big feelings come on? I invite you to stop, to notice, to open the gates of your inner world. Share your exploration with someone safe, get it out of hiding.
The wild beast is trying to tell you something.
Is it time to listen?
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