Tag Archives: facing in

the winter solstice

the winter solstice is today,IMG_6127
in about one hour, 8:49pm (PST) to be exact.
may the dark sky be the fertile soil for a new year,
a new way, a newness beyond anything you could even imagine…
may you give that opening into possibility to yourself this moment in time.
Open to the fullness of the void
let it penetrate and dissipate
any doubt or misgivings or unworthiness
that might be lingering in the shadows.
Know this, you were born to shine.
Let it be.

 

the day of the gopher

there’s a bump, then a wiggle in the soil.
I push backScreenshot 2015-09-05 09.31.30
Worms come, one two three four five
what’s going on down there?
gopher no doubt. gopher in the cucumbers,
 
life happens
there’s no stopping this wild unfolding.
gophers crawl through the earth
and their delight is finding succulent gardens to mess with.
‘they can’t help it, it’s their nature.
 
today I honor the gopher
I wonder at his or her ways
how am I like a gopher,
tunneling through the dark
in search of succulent gardens?

clouds

there’s a cloud over my heart
the fog rolls over the hills
i have breath
i feel it filling my body
the clouds roll by
inside outside
I honor the clouds
i honor my breath2014-06-12 19.01.36
i honor my willingness to remember
my breath
breathing me
again and again.
i take a moment
i connect
with the source of my breath
that mysterious knowing that knows
that fills me and then
cleanses my cells my clouds my body
breathing.

simple breath simple tears

It is so simple. Breathing.
So constantly with me. My breath.
I breathe in. I feel the air fill my lungs.
That’s all I have to do today. really. And you know what? My breath just does it’s thing. I don’t even have to do that. I am being breathed as I be with myself.

Last night news of heartbreaking proportions. One I love, he has forgotten to love himself. I breathe. I feel that love that knows no boundaries or time. I know my job, if I so accept, is to be wholly with that love. This love knows no time. Allow it to fill me, I feel it pour out to him.
2014-11-21 16.10.40
It is so simple. Breathing.
So constantly with me. My breath.
I breathe in. I feel the air fill my lungs.
That’s all I have to do today. really. And you know what? My breath just does it’s thing. I don’t even have to do that. I am being breathed as I be with myself. I breathe, I breathe, I breathe,

Sometmes I feel my tears could fill oceans. But I know the ocean IS love and I allow that ocean to wash over any part of me that thinks I am less.

Opening

stop start stop again
start prayer breathe ask open call
wait stop breathe next what
nothing feels right
no direction clearScreenshot 2014-11-08 21.37.05
i guess i’ll just
stop breathe pray simmer
feel open trap and shake
loose the bolts of my thunder
wait breathe wonder
sleep.
start again
come up for air
worry sing wonder pray
sometimes breathing works.
feeling feelings too.
feel into the dream of opening

How is this perfect?

Rain
breathing
letting go

cold wet rain
breathing
knowing this is perfect
wondering how that could be so

how is this perfect?

good question

oh yes, then breathing
walk around the lake
do some breathing
breath some more
you’d think I’d get the hang of this
Breathing
feeling my feelings
loving what is

really?

How is this perfect?
breathing
the trees hold me2014-10-30 17.35.07
their red and rose and yellow and brown
their bare limbs coming clean
the falling of fall
brilliant
breathing
I’m breathing
walk and wonder
breathing
big ol’ bottomless pit

breathing

How is this perfect?

breathing.

Courage

Life IS good.
God made running for me to settle down and in.

The ocean was wild last night.
The waves leave their morning mark on the dwindling sands.
as my feet leave prints along the edge2013-11-23 07.21.29

my head was wild last night
the full moon was loud
And now this day sun is breaking through louder still.

I pray for strength
as I chant to the mindless sky

 

This is not happening to me
It is this happening for me.

This is not happening to me
It is this happening for me.

courage

the cowardly lion does a little dance

courage.

Letting go.

Birthday hot fudge sundae.

hot fudge sundaefirst one in two years.

yes, he finished most of it. That’s what birthdays are for; to celebrate. See, he doesn’t believe in birthdays, but he does believe in ice cream. Newport Creamery. we used to go there when I was a kid. There were pictures all over the walls of the old stores. This is new England, the land of many memories. Past memories, present time, this is such a profound practice at this juncture of my life. Continue reading

The Wild Beast

I have a wild beast in me.  She comes at odd times. She’s a hungry beast. She roams the kitchen looking for her rexprey.  Popcorn, chips, sugar stuff, chocolate, fried food…all the things I know I ‘shouldn’t’ eat, and, quite frankly, I don’t have a lot of in my house.  Roar, where’s the chocolate? Roar, let’s have a pop tart..roar…maybe two…rrrroarrrr!  She on the prowl, ready to devour.  If the call is strong enough, there’s no stopping her.

Over the years, I have succumbed to her, I have fought with her, tried to cage her with diets and fasting, which only makes her more ferocious. Over the years, I am learning to make her my friend.

 At first, I was pretty much at her mercy. I still have this memory, my first year of college, far from home, freaked out and 17, Madison, Wisconsin; sitting with a friend in front of the dorms and eating, together, a big ol’ honkin’ loaf of french bread. Weird. I never got fat. My metabolism didn’t do that. I just got sick.  I got sick a lot as a child.

What I have found through years of twists and turns, is that this wild beast in me is my ally. She’s the guardian at the gate of my strong emotions. Emotions that I have stuffed because, for some reason or another, they were not safe to feel. old, outdated reasons. When I take the time to stop and actually let myself feel, the beast calms down. 

What I have also noticed in my exploration is that the beast thrives in the shadows.  She lurks in secret places. As soon as I call her out, bring her into the light of awareness, face into what is going on, she starts to loose her ferocity.

I can’t say I’m ‘cured’, don’t think I ever will be.  Through all my humanness, the hungry beast is there. She is the gateway to those feelings I might try to deny, hide, run from, project onto others. Yep, there’s another one, and another…I have come to appreciate the her in me as a present, wild and powerful companion.

 I don’t know if you remember my potato chip exploration a while back, this is definitely a continuation of that post.  I don’t have alcohol addiction, cigarettes or heroin, but I have food.  In this day and age we all have pretty easy access to whatever we want food-wise.  My drug of choice.  And since I haven’t figured out how to give it up totally, and quite frankly don’t want to, it’s a provocative dance that returns many times during the day.

What is your drug of choice?  Socially acceptable things like potato chips n’ ice cream, or maybe the ‘heavier’ stuff?  It’s all the same cry. What screams to you when big feelings come on?  I invite you to stop, to notice, to open the gates of your inner world. Share your exploration with someone safe, get it out of hiding.

The wild beast is trying to tell you something. 

Is it time to listen? 

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