I have been off FB for a bit. My dad passed on Monday. The coyotes were howling up the canyon right as I got the call. The sun settled on that day slowly.
I am back in RI now; in the massive snow drifts, the big ol’ house (built in 1904), going through stuff in the house, in my head. I have shared much on FB, so many of you have followed this arc. it has been a long and challenging last year. Dad, what a guy.
Death brings both some kind of peace and some kind of unsettlement. Ah, this life we skip lightly through. Precious and fleeting; every part of that phrase is ringing in my ears now.
Big change. long journey. I am in that, moving there.
Thank you dad for being so you.
my feet sloshing
hear the falling
(infuse with your own melody)
(delete and add your own verses as desired)
(oh yes, and do a little rain jig while you’re at it)
what’s on my mind?
Snow is coming.
What is this snow s**t?
damp cool air blowing across the street.
leaves plaster the car, the walks, the gutters
wet with last nights rain.
I searching around this morning for my cup of thankfulness…
I know I left it around here somewhere…
Thank you for the reflection of all I see around me
bringing me back to me.
What is this story, this challenge?
What is the learning here for me?
thank you for this day
in all it’s messy blessings.
The lake always has a story to tell.
Reflecting the darkening sky
as the cold chill comes off the water
I am coming.
As sure as spring will come again.
The hills lie softly against a blue canvas sky
Beats blast on pandora
Valley oaks leaf and lean against the drought
Wheels roar the road for hours
on a new black spankin’ asphalt ribbon.
Were going as fast as a westfalia is able
Let the music play into the north head wind
Ok I want to be Sting and rock the world
don’t stand so close to me
Hills vineyards intersections and cruise control demons
The day moves forward one mile at a time.
This morning I was out running and tried a new form of appreciation… started saying this to everything I laid eyes on, “oh my god, you are the most beautiful — (fill in the blank–tree, squirrel, leaf, etc)”. It was mind blowing. Really got the idea of the ‘beauty path’ the native american speak of. There is such beauty everywhere.
Then I read something on Facebook about self love…so I tried applying that to myself: I AM the most beautiful Nicola Gordon I know!! so interesting how squeamish I feel doing that. Does my honoring of my beauty somehow nullify your beauty? No way. It adds to it.
You ARE the most beautiful— (fill in the blank with your name) you know, Yes? Yes!
Would you like these messages coming to you’re own little in-box world? Go to www.nicolagordon.com, sign up at ‘blog via email’ and watch the world spin.
I am stopping under trees.
Finding oasis in air conditioned halls and cars.
I appreciate the coolness of water over my body.
I am accepting this moment of summer unfolding
full of force and fire because it is.
I’m home. Hello Santa Barbara. Hello little home. Trying to fit the new me into the old box. Went through photos, old clothes, instruments. feeling into the sands of Santa Barbara after almost a month of absence. Who am I now?
The hills are drier. The air is thicker with the morning cloud cover. I saw a few blue jays, told them about their relatives in Rhode Island. Loud, noisy, beautiful birds you are. Took Shystie for a walk. The doggies are doggies, I’m me; a little discombobulated, not use to this location shifting life. The garden is alive but not happy with my absence. Summer. Summer. Hello summer.
I went to the park. saw some of you guys, saw alot of you guys actually. Summer solstice. The brilliance of the sun is upon us now. Thank you Santa Barbara for welcoming me into your arms. Thank you home for holding space through my absence. Thank you doggies for remembering me and wagging your tails at the sun.
The longest day of the year. The shortest night. May the joy that you are be illuminated by the brilliance of this day.
Happy summer solstice.
Dad’s not doing so well. I talk to him. I talk to my brother. I talk to him again. It’s a wait and see game of unknown rules. I’m so far away, I feel so powerless. Looking at the passage we all face some day. Not sure what’s up with Dad, could be soon, or 10 years from now. I choose to be present with myself and my own trembling mortality so I can be present for him to the best of my ability.
I go out into the wild. The hills hold court with my tenderness. As I enter into the trail at the end of the road, a little hummingbird come right up to this bush by my knee, ruby-throated and precious tiny. I climb, I walk, I run ever so little. I follow the trail to a hill I rarely climb.
At the top, I look out on the valley, the ocean, the hills. the clouds are so proud and still, the wind swept the sky, the white capped water, the islands are there in full force, visible, holding the ocean. What a moment.
The mustard has passed but new little yellow flower ignite the trail. I think, next time I’ll bring my phone and take pictures for you guys. It’s so beautiful up here. and it’s almost my back yard. How blessed is this mess I am today.
I have a tangerine in my pocket, I sit to eat it. There’s swarms of ants, big and little ones, all in a flurry, probably because this big ogre is sitting by their holes. I see them frantically going here and there-I know that feeling. A bigger ant starts hauling one of the seeds I have spit out. It’s hard. He stays with it for way longer than he might (-I know that feeling too), then gives up and walks over his seed-mountain, he’s checking it out, searching for something…what? I haven’t a clue. it is literally 10xs bigger than him; how does he even attempt to do that?
I look up to the sky again, there are three hawks circling and one buzzard, they are gracefully playing in the wind that I feel on my face. Perhaps they are waiting for me to die. Well, not this time my friends, but death is a part of this life, I acknowledge that now.
I head back down the trail. I notice another red tail hawk flying 10 yards below me magnificent. I stop again to be with her still soaring. I look down at my feet again and a 2 inch bright green caterpillar, with red and yellow and black markings and a little flag on his butt, comes cruising by my foot. i have to laugh.
Crazy mamma nature, you are out in force this morning.
Thank you, thank you.