Sometime life gets rocky.
Sometimes I take the long road home.
I let things slide, don’t speak up. I get small. I take the easy way out. I think someone else will say what I want to say. I procrastinate till ‘the right time’ (that for some reason, never comes)… And of course I just hope it will all just go away, blow away, skip and whirl away with the wind.
I forget that life is here for me. I forget in that moment that am here to grow and evolve. And that I have something to say, and that something is important. It’s my view- the world of Nicola. That when life gives me taps, it’s for my learning. I could so easily respond in that moment.
If I don’t listen, the little tiny tap just might turn into a sledgehammer. Or the internal pressure might build and I turn from a meek little mouse into an erupting volcano. All sorts of things can happen. And of course do.
I now recommit to owning my feelings. feeling them fully; I choose to listen for and to my intuition; speaking up when I have something to say.
Now I remember, oh yes, It’s a lot easier in the long run to be honest and true to myself and others. For some very good reason, they say, it’s the best policy. Amen brothers and sisters.
It’s time for me to recommit.
I feel perched between the two coasts; singing like a bird, and that bird might take flight to Rhode Island at any point. And It’s time to move again, darn. No hurry, but the little house will soon be rolling again, somewhere in Santa Barbara, some where wonderful (PM if you have inspiration on this).
I feel ungrounded, unclear and unsettled. I’m returning to my breath. Returning to writing and sharing with you all.
I commit and open to a world of abundance and ease, where I have all I want and need; no fear, no hoarding, no lacking. All is provided. I have land, quiet, spacious wilderness, I have community, I have the joy of giving my music and my presence, all my love, all my gifts; and then fully receiving the gifts of others. I commit again and again to that path. I open to the flow of that sweet harmony.
I wish this for you too, to be filled and overflowing. To feel your gifts and to own your beauty. That you easily and fully give of yourself to that which you love, and in doing the universe provides beyond your wildest dreams.
This I wish for you, me and the all beings.
Happy Independence Day to you.
Will you claim freedom today? How will you do that? What path will you choose this day? Will you make this day the day that you can look back and remember as the day you claimed your autonomy in some fashion?
What will you claim as yours today?
Today I claim freedom from negative self talk. I choose to love myself more fully. To notice when I’m getting down on me. Today I choose to talk to myself as a lover, a kind parent, a loving friend. I can be all that to me. Today I will go out of my way to cherish who I am. When I feel even slightly disconnected, I will love me. I realize I need to start there. Loving self. Otherwise there is no love to share with others. Continue reading
Update on Dad. He is well. I am calling and he is now answering the phone. Before, he couldn’t figure out how to use the new-fangled thang and it was rather difficult to reach him– I guess that was part of the reason for going out there, there were a lot of loose little ends flying in the wind; and of course some big ones too. I am managing parts of his life from across the country. He has lunches delivered, thank you angels. He has help coming in for a few hours a day. Lots of doctors appointments and friends helping. It is not ideal, but it is working for now.
I started my songwriting class last week. There were 6 people there. Three of the six had lost their dad in the past month. OMG. One person’s dad died a year ago. The other two had lost their dads many years ago. Crazy. I was the only one with a farther.
It gave me a sense of preciousness with my own father, but also really feeling into the way of this world, life and death. Everyone has their journey. Everyone has their stories, everyone experiences death. And everyone has a very unique and personal relation with this experience.
My intention is to consciously move through life and death with love, humor and grace. Sometimes I success wildly. Other times, no so much. I’m working on it.
So be it.
Be well, be whole, be love.
Life is habit forming. There’s disempowering habits: procrastinating, the sneaky and magical disappearing act, eating, drinking, smoking, etc. to avoid dealing and/or feeling. Then there’s a myriad of habits that add to our life: breathing, facing in, self love, sending love. Forward progress is the fine art of notice dis-functional habits, changing to more empowering habits, reinforcing habits that serve you, and then ultimately being able to appreciate the whole journey.
I woke up this morning overwhelmed and rebellious. Continue reading
I’m home. Hello Santa Barbara. Hello little home. Trying to fit the new me into the old box. Went through photos, old clothes, instruments. feeling into the sands of Santa Barbara after almost a month of absence. Who am I now?
The hills are drier. The air is thicker with the morning cloud cover. I saw a few blue jays, told them about their relatives in Rhode Island. Loud, noisy, beautiful birds you are. Took Shystie for a walk. The doggies are doggies, I’m me; a little discombobulated, not use to this location shifting life. The garden is alive but not happy with my absence. Summer. Summer. Hello summer.
I went to the park. saw some of you guys, saw alot of you guys actually. Summer solstice. The brilliance of the sun is upon us now. Thank you Santa Barbara for welcoming me into your arms. Thank you home for holding space through my absence. Thank you doggies for remembering me and wagging your tails at the sun.
The longest day of the year. The shortest night. May the joy that you are be illuminated by the brilliance of this day.
Summer solstice. May that sun be your strength, might the world hold your heart.
And might this world be a better place for the moments you have lived here. And might you know that is so. Even now.
Happy summer solstice.
Dad’s home from the hospital.
He still says he feels awful, but he looks a million times better. It’s roses and thorns this life. He says he helped his mom go through this, he helped his wife go through this and now it’s his turn. Simple fact, simply stated. People get old, they get frail and then they die, that’s just how it is. I will do the same some day.
I’m fighting against it every third second.
I help Paul and his nephew load the third van full of garge sale collections and stuff from the house. Clearing out, letting go; Just stuff. I go walk around the pond. I look up at the green leaves plastered against the cloudy sky. I feel the soft ground and the tall tall trees. Somehow the fresh air and the lake give me space to let in this moment’s beauty.
I surrender to the beauty of this process for two seconds.
the house is pretty clean now.
Well, there’s stuff, but the clutter has been tamed for now.
Darn, now I have to just be. What a terrifying Idea this morning.
breathing in, I am alive, breathing out, you are alive.
breathing in and out, we will both be gone one day
Breathing in and out, I am here with you now.
(This is a Meditation from Thick Nhat Hahn; photo by Philip Van Nostrum)
Friday the 13th.
Are you superstitious? Perhaps it’s time to use this ol’ brain in a different, more empowering way. Imagine this is your lucky day. Believe in yourself and tap into the truth you are. Be the super hero you always wanted to be.
I remember as a kid running down the halls with my superman cape. I just knew if I tried hard enough I could fly. I was so disappointed each time it didn’t work. But I’d try again. And again. I also had a magic wand and made pretend I had special powers.
fairy with wand
Then, for better and for worse, I grew up.
But hey, today’s my lucky day!
I’m gonna get me a wand…